all you need is love

love is all you need

Dear baby Maria,

can you stay a baby forever and ever and ever minus waking up at night every 5 minutes to nurse or pretend to nurse?

Today I found this picture of myself pregnant

 

and remembered how much I hated being pregnant. I had no expectations of liking my baby.  I was so miserable I was so big and my back hurt so much I just wanted to get the thing out.

The thing turned out to be this

 

This rolli-polli perfect baby. Yesterday we dressed her up in her Eskimo suit and took her out to the art museum for First Friday.

 

She hated the Eskimo suit. She also hates socks. So by the time we made it up to the garden she was practically naked in coldy NorCal weather.

My other child also has a mind of his own and doesn't need me very much these days. 

I'm tiered. My house if finally clean. Accommodating 6 people in a 2 bedroom place is not easy. There is always so much to put away, to throw away, to pick up. My sister hates being here but she puts all that aside and is the bomb with the kids. She entertains Enzo with YouTube videos. My mom doesn't believe in putting babies down. Whenever I put baby Maria on her bumbo my mom waits patiently for 3 minutes max and then runs over to pick her up. My kids are well attended but I want to tend for them and most times I am running around like a crazy chicken making sure that everyone else if a o.k. Now that the house is finally clean and quiet  I want to go wake up Enzo and Maria Aurea and sit down with them and play and kiss their noses and laugh really loud. Just not too loud, wouldn't want to wake anyone else up.

Totally unrelated but have you seen Avatar? Chris and I went on Friday. As an anthro major sitting next to an anthro PhD candidate my mind was spinning. Why can't I take alien/human romance seriously but adore vampire/human relationships?

I kid you not

sharing in all it's wonders

Today my friend shared with me some secrets about when she was 17 years old.

woah.

I mean woah to the moon and back.

thanks friend for sharing.

Thanks for sharing such an intimate piece of you story

and thanks for taking such good care of your children and for dedicating your life to your kids inspite of so many other glamarous paths you could have taken.

I think your kids will be just fine and I sure hope mine will too.

This is not to say that what my sis is going through is my mom's fault.

However, it is to say that divorce sucks and if you don't deal with the trauma it will come back to haunt you.

It is to say that being a single mother sucks and having to work and do school on top of a million other things is very very hard.

This is to say that I feel so blessed to not have to work and for having a good marriage and a good father for my kids.

Here is to saying that I need to recommit myself to my children and not do what I do best which is to overburden myself with distractions, to the moon and back.

Here is to say that I don't need to have 2 jobs and I don't need to do so many barters.

I need to take really, I mean REALLY, good care of my children because I am so lucky to have made it  out of my teenage years just fine and if I need to dedicate my life so that my children will also have a good chance of making it out o.k than it's exactly what I need to do.

exactly.

Life is full of pirates

and treasures.

 

I will try my very darn hardest to focus on the treasures.

life is sweet

with sweetened condensed milk.

I have almost gone through an entire can of sweetened condensed milk this afternoon. 

Because when sh*t hits the fan I hit the sweets.

Good-bye 'ol goal of loosing 10lbs and HELLO fleshy body.

I want to tell you, yes you WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD, every single detail of our family drama just to get back at my sister.

But she already hates me and if I did that my mom would hate me too.

So, here is to not telling you a single thing of what's going on, not one word, my lips are sealed. 

And don't you dare push me or else I might just sit you down and tell you everything until you scream "stop, stop, this is torture"

yup, torture is the perfect word to describe it.

today is my sad post

Yesterday was my happy post.

My, I am avoiding reality/ need to do something before I explode/ must occupy my mind post.

Today is my sad post.

My, I am hurting/ drained/ exhausted to the moon and back, post.

How can I tell you what's going on?

Where do I even begin?

I'll begin at the beginning.

On July 10 1992 my little sister was born.

Iris.

My first child, I call her.

My pride and joy and  little charm.

Fast forward 17 years later

and on Wednesday morning (just 2 days ago)

my mom spoke to her and told her what my sister would consider to be the worst news of her life.

"You are coming to the U.S, tonight"

So yesterday I picked up the saddest 17 year old I have ever seen from the airport.

And today she is worse.

There are a million reasons, literally a million, why my mom forced her to come.

On the day of my 18th birthday my dad announced that not only was he having an affair, BUT he was also leaving us AND he was getting fired from his job.

Seeing my parents divorce was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.

But now, I think this is worse.

Seeing my little sister make really bad choices, be in a really bad relationship, and seeing my mom fall apart because of it is worse. 

Seeing someone you really really  love make really really bad choices is hard.

Not knowing how to help is even devastating.